JD Vance Fucked A Couch?

You’ve probably seen it all over social media over the last 48 hours – rumor has it Trump’s new running mate JD Vance fucked a couch, allegedly.

Now, I might loathe the guy’s politics. I might believe these people are quite literally immoral sacks of garbage who should never be permitted anywhere near any position of power. But I also think “who cares?”

I guess we need to clarify what the claim is.

The suggestion is that he wrote about making a homemade masturbator and placing it between the cushions of a couch, and he fucked it.

Just to clarify, there is no evidence that he ever actually wrote that. It’s just a little fib someone apparently invented. It’s a joke, a snide little meme that seems to have become zeitgeist, for the time being at least.

Even though he never wrote it, I’m okay with people thinking he did. Anything that damages his prospects is okay with me, frankly. I don’t like him, he’s a dangerous weirdo. It seems even most of Trump’s followers don’t like him either.

He’s reprehensible. The things he’s said about women are terrible, the things he believes are disgusting, his personal notions of freedom and liberty are corrupt and hypocritical (as is usually the case with a certain group of politicians).

Almost as bad as that; he has absolutely NO principles.

Not too long ago he stated Trump was “America’s Hitler”. He called him a “villain and a douche”. Vance stated that Trump was a unfit to be President and “a total fraud”.

I personally believe he was right, of course. But his efforts to try to gaslight the American people into believing he never said those things just so he can get his own snout in the trough makes him even more loathsome and pathetic.

Now, back to the subject “at hand”, as it were…

We’re talking about masturbation here, not sex. The claim that JD Vance fucked a couch is really just a statement that he jacked off in a toy that was positioned under or between the cushions of a couch.

I don’t think he’s one of those guys who lusts after inanimate objects, but I guess he could have a kink for cushions.

If he did just jack off in a toy wedged in a couch I can say that a lot of guys have done the same and it’s not actually that strange.

He allegedly made some kind of homemade Fleshlight from a rubber glove. You’ve probably seen those tutorials out there over the years, right? I think we even wrote about it for the blog a long time ago. It was a fad. Guys were using foam in a Pringles can and shoving a condom or a glove inside it.

Technically it might work, but that’s a whole lot of trouble to go through just to have a good wank. It almost sounds like a Blue Peter project. And yes, the notion of toilet roll tubes and sticky back plastic in this context makes me shudder (I’m sorry that only Brits will get that joke).

Thankfully no one seems to be fixating on the act itself. There are a lot of jokes to be had about Ikea’s potential new range of Fukhöle sofas, but other than that everyone just seems to be enjoying the the fact that it’s a hilarious distraction from the terribleness that is the man himself.

It’s also incredibly funny that the AP news agency felt the need to publish a (journalistically embarrassing) article titled, “No, JD Vance did not have sex with a couch”.

Why is it embarrassing that they wrote and published that article? Because they cannot make the claim that he never has. They can only state that there is no evidence for the claim.

He could have fucked a couch, just as he could have frotted a futon or fingered a fridge (isn’t it more fun when it rhymes?) Unless the author of the piece has spent every waking hour with JD Vance they cannot possibly claim he has never fucked a couch.

Maybe that’s why AP has since deleted that article?

It really doesn’t matter if he did fuck a couch, I just thought this whole thing was hilarious and worth writing about.

I’ll finish by recommending that you yourself go and fuck a couch.

Go on, try it.

Grab a toy, put it in a good position and dive right in. Hands-free jacking is just fun. It feels quite good with the right toy. It’s a nice change from putting your arm to work. It simulates the motion of partnered sex and this can heighten the pleasure you experience.

Put your hips to work instead of your bicep. You will notice a difference.

A lot of guys do this with their Fleshlight. In fact, the company even designed a cushion themselves specifically for this purpose. But you can do the same with any sleeve.

If you’re thinking about googling how to make a toy yourself I’ll save you some time… they don’t work well, it’s a lot of hassle for a one-off wank. You might as well buy a pocket pussy from BlokeToys.

Let me know what you think. Have you fucked a toy after wedging it in couch cushions?

Oh, and if you’re American, please VOTE.